Decision making

Be the Calm in the Storm

March 31, 2020 By Lisa Alessi

Without question these are unprecedented times that call on us to dig deeper into our resiliency reserves. Our abilities to handle dynamically changing environments and stress are being put to the test. Experience has shown us that the more present we can be in times of great change, the less we distort what’s going in our current reality and can maintain calm.

As leaders, people look to us to set the tone. While we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t get stressed, we do need to be cognizant of how we show up and model a sense of calm. The best way to do this is by learning to work through our own reactivity and develop resiliency practices that will sustain us so we can be the sense of calm for ourselves and those around us.

In times of change, we need different practices on board to fortify and sustain us through crisis. Focusing on the following 4 resiliency areas have proven to reduce stress, strengthen resilience and manage your energy so you can be more effective.

Resiliency Area #1: Calm Your Nervous System (body)

With increased stress, we go into survival mode and our bodies engage the fight, flight or freeze reflex. Cortisol floods our systems, increasing our heart rates. We start to breath more rapidly and tense up. To counteract this cascade of events, we need to give our bodies time to clear the bloodstream of stress hormones by slowing everything way down, getting present and giving ourselves time to decompress.

Slow your breathing – it sends a message to your brain that you are not in fight or flight.

Try belly breathing – breath in for 7 seconds and out for 11
Military breathing technique – breath in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, repeat

Get into your body with these simple grounding practices

Do a body scan — start by feeling into your toes, wiggle them, feeling your back and butt on the chair, feet on the ground, release and relax any tension you have in your shoulders, neck jaw, soften your gaze
Stretch for 5 minutes, go for a walk in nature
Meditate – try apps like Headspace, Calm, 10% Happier
To release jittery energy — do an intense workout, bounce on a yoga ball for 5 min

Slow your pace – literally, slow everything way down. When stressed, it’s natural to want to speed up, take action or push through and that’s when we tend to make mistakes. Take this as a cue to slow down and stop multi-tasking.

Do one thing at a time especially when you become increasingly distracted and losing focus
Take a break, get perspective
Move slowly

Resiliency Area #2: Tame Your Mind

When faced with uncertainty, most of us want to come up with a plan to create a sense of safety. With this virus though, information is changing so rapidly, we’re often unclear about what’s going on, let alone the best way to handle each challenge. As a result, we start contingency planning and list building for things that haven’t happened, as a way of “controlling” the situation.

When you find yourself distracted or your anxiety levels going through the roof, try to focus on what’s needed in the next hour. If that’s too much, try minute by minute. While we cannot control the circumstances surrounding this virus, we can manage how we respond to it.

Redirect Your Thinking to the Present

Visualization — Try visualizing something that will stop the swirling in your mind. Imagine a stop sign and redirect your focus to a tranquil scene like a babbling brook, cascading ocean waves
Self-coach — Ask yourself, am I ok right now, in this moment, get present
Limit your screen time – be cognizant of the information you’re taking in and how it affects you
Focus on what’s in your sphere of control – Instead of focusing on everything that’s outside your control, refocus on things that you can do something about. This gives us personal agency.
Be mindful of your inner dialogue — redirect negative self-talk – I’m doing the best I can, I’ve trained my entire life for this moment

Resiliency Area #3: Stay connected (Heart)

When in survival mode for a sustained period of time, it’s easy to start cycling in and out of burnout. When you couple that with mounting stress and lack of sleep, you’re apt to feel a myriad of oscillating emotions – anxiety, frustration, anger, sadness, overwhelmed or even denial. It’s natural to want to push these darker feelings away, pushing through them. Others cope by isolating, thinking it’s better to keep these feelings to themselves and later judge themselves for not being stronger, more resilient or courageous.

The key is to move through the intensity of emotion by creating a little space for them. Find ways to share what you’re feeling with people you trust and stay connected with others.

Process what you’re feeling with those who love and support you
Journal how you’re feeling
Stay Connected with loved ones – if you’re sequestered, Facetime, Videoconference, text, have a virtual dinner, exercise or watch a movie together
Participate in group discussions — share how you’re feeling; knowing you’re not alone helps
Self-Coach — Ask yourself, what do I want in this moment, let that inform next steps
Reach out for support – to your friends, colleagues, support system to tell people what you need
Keep your Routines or develop ones that support you – sleep, exercise, eating well
Practice self care — take a bath, listen to music, give your family a hug
Mark the transition from work to home — when you’re done with work, take some time to decompress, let go of your work stuff, get present at home
Release judgement of how you’re feeling – “I’m doing the best I can”

Resiliency Area #4: Be purposeful and intentional (Soul)

At times like this, I heed the sage words of Victor Frankl, a holocaust survivor and author of a Man’s Search for Meaning. He believed that our meaning in life was defined through significant contributions in our work; our relationships and most challenging experiences. It is purposefulness and connectedness that brings joy even in the midst of death, chaos, fear and loss.

With great challenge, we may not be able to control our circumstances, but we can choose how we respond to them. Being intentional helps guide us through the dark patches and provides hope and inspiration for all of us for what’s on the other side.

Remember Your Why – keep front and center why your work is important to you
Be intentional –Ask yourself how do you want to move through each day/situation? Take a moment to pause and reflect on how you need to show up to achieve what you want
Add Levity — find ways to connect with others in meaningful ways and lift each other up
Humor is the ultimate connector – share a laugh, a joke, a funny message, it lessens the intensity so we can lighten up and not take ourselves so seriously
Show kindness and respect for others – everyone processes stress and change differently, we are all flailing in our own existential dilemma. It’s not personal, remember that!
Contribute — Try to focus on what you “can” do to contribute
Use your Strengths — Support others by doing what you do best
Practice gratitude – let people around you know how much you appreciate them in the moment
Be the calm in the storm – instead of spreading panic, doubt and worry. Spread calm, love, compassion and I guarantee the result will be more connecting and uplifting.

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith, and hope.”
~ Thomas Merton

5 Reasons to Find Your Why

November 30, 2014 By Lisa

Do you ever feel ungrounded in your work?

Studies indicate more than 80% of the US population are unhappy in their jobs. Many people go through the motions every day without a sense of higher purpose or direction. They struggle with defining their cause and pinpointing their inner motivations.

If you find yourself nodding in agreement, then chances are you haven’t identified your Why. Many people get a glimpse of their Why momentarily, only for it to disappear into the abyss as the changes and challenges of life take center stage.

Before I immersed myself into my coaching practice, I had a nagging feeling that something was missing in both my career and my life. I was accomplished, but never relished my achievements. I lacked deep satisfaction and was always on a quest for the next thing.

Finding my Why has done more for my personal and professional development than any other training, book, or coaching approach I’ve tried.

The people I work with tend to agree. The day after one client found her Why, she wrote, “This morning, I woke up feeling more whole and complete than I can ever remember.”

Who doesn’t want to feel like that?

Here are 5 more reasons it’s important to Find Your Why:

 1. It grounds you in who you are and who you are becoming.

Finding Your Why allows you to see the choices you’ve made throughout your life in a new light. You can see the big picture. You not only gain perspective on your strengths and weaknesses but also how they’ve played out and made you who you are today.

A client shared:

I had no idea how much this work would amp up my self-love. And talk about seeing everything through a light of love–it transformed some of my old stories like I never imagined possible. I feel like I have a whole new relationship with myself.

2. It gives you the power and authority to lead your life knowing what you stand for.

When you uncover your Why, your inner motivations will be revealed. This allows you to stand up for what you believe in from a position of strength, knowing exactly who you are and what you believe.

One client struggling with whether to take a huge promotion with increased leadership responsibility shared, “Finding my Why was an essential part of building the confidence I needed to take that leap and pursue the next steps in my career; I was amazed at how much easier everything came into play once I was clear.”

3. You become a more effective communicator and leader.

When you talk about your Why, people who share your beliefs will be drawn to you.

Like a politician that can’t drum up enough support for their cause—if you can’t communicate why you are doing what you’re doing, it’s hard for people to support you.

Contrast this with someone who inspires you to grow. They’ve likely shared their convictions with you and you believe in their cause.

4. It helps you build resiliency in times of change.

When you are deeply connected to who you are and understand why you do the things you do, you can take a step back in stressful conditions and gain perspective before acting.
By accepting and honoring your weaknesses and leading with your strengths, you radiate authenticity and are less likely to be drawn into battle with colleagues, friends, and family. Through awareness, you gain objectivity and reduce reactivity.

5. It gives you direction and clarity in decision-making.

When you know what is important to you and why, you have a solid foundation for making decisions. You are able to start each day doing what you love and what you want to do because the decisions you make –where you spend your time, energy and money, and the way you work—are all aligned with your Why and the conditions in which you thrive.

In short, your Why is what drives you, gives you energy and deeper satisfaction. It’s ultimately your reason for being that gives you direction and serves as a guiding light allowing you to be all you can be.

7 Ways the Enneagram Can Rock Your World

November 29, 2014 By Lisa

The Enneagram is the most powerful personal and professional development tool I have ever used to examine core motivations and understand why we do the things we do.

Having worked extensively with the Enneagram for the past few years and trained with Ginger Lapid-Bogda, a world leader in using the Enneagram in the workplace, I’m excited to share my passion with you.

Here are 7 ways the Enneagram can rock your world:

1. It accelerates your personal growth. 
Learning about the patterns of your type helps you see the big picture of who you are: the qualities that energize you and make you great as well as your blind spots and the subconscious triggers that hold you back.  By shining a spotlight on the patterns of behavior that lurk below the surface, you’re able to pinpoint the ones that are distracting you and focus on the patterns that lead to your success and voila – your potential for growth is limitless.

 2. It provides a strong foundation for strategic decision-making.
When you understand your type and your core motivations and intrinsic drivers to what you want, you can make better choices.

3. It helps you build stronger relationships. 
First and foremost, the Enneagram helps you improve the relationship you have with yourself but also with friends, family, colleagues, bosses, and clients.

Knowledge of the Enneagram helps you understand how others filter information differently than you, providing insight, objectivity, and compassion for those most important to you so you can draw out their strengths and cut them slack in areas that trigger them.

4. It improves your communication skills.
Knowing your type helps you understand the way you are perceived with laser-like precision. You gain insight into how you influence others. Working with this information helps you adjust your communication style to your audience and increase your circle of influence.

5. It helps you become a more effective leader. 
Effective leadership starts with understanding the big picture of who you are – leading with your strengths as well as being aware of how you get derailed so you can develop a more authentic leadership style.

The Enneagram also helps you understand the different needs of your people, to identify their strengths as well as the areas in which they need to develop, so you can empower them, stretch their performance, and help them grow.

6. It helps you handle change with finesse.
Life is full of change. With change can come anxiety and the emergence of our worst personality traits.

The Enneagram gives us insight into each type’s defense mechanisms so you can better anticipate the reactions of others and communicate approaches based on different needs.

7. It provides perspective. 
The most beautiful thing about the Enneagram is that you gain perspective into why you do things, so you can depersonalize situations and develop strategic approaches for the way you think and interact with people who think and act differently than you do, developing an appreciation for their perspectives.

Great Leadership Starts with One Step

November 28, 2014 By Lisa

Have you ever felt an incredible desire to change something at work or in your personal life but backed down because it just seemed too hard?

Some of my biggest regrets were times I retreated from taking on increasing levels of responsibility in leadership roles, usually turning them down because I didn’t feel like I had the skills, the backing, the time or the energy.

I guess that’s why the movie, “The Help” strikes a chord within me. Each time I’ve seen it, I feel more inspired and uplifted by the messages of courage and transformation.

Set in Jackson, Mississippi during the Civil Right’s Movement, the story revolves around a very strong and resilient group of women who fight the status quo of the domestic servitude, the culture they were born into.

The character that resonates with me the most is Abileen, a black maid who belongs to a long line of women who’ve raised dozens of children born to repressive white socialites. She teaches these children the values of appreciation, respect and unconditional love, virtues that are not reciprocated by the families she serves.

Abileen desperately wants to speak up against the manipulation, intimidation and abuse she and her community have endured, especially after her 24-year-old son dies as a result of negligence at the hands of her oppressors. But she hesitates. She pushes down her desire to take initiative for fear of repercussions.

Abileen is what I call a reluctant leader.

When Skeeter, an aspiring journalist and rebellious white socialite approaches her to tell her story, at first Abileen won’t even consider it. She fears speaking out against the people she and her family have been working for generations. She’s afraid of what they might do.

But most importantly, she’s afraid no one will be listen. She’s been treated as if she were invisible all her life.

When she does start writing and sharing her stories, she finds she has a voice and powerful lessons to share too. She starts talking with her community, women who have supported each other in hardship and celebration. She has conviction and inspires them. They want to join her too.

They want to expose the travesties they have endured at the hands of their oppressors — exposing them for who they are. They want to be heard.

Without even realizing, Abileen becomes the leader within her community by taking the first step to share her stories. She then empowers them by creating the vehicle to join forces and speak up for what they know is right.

Together, they create a movement that has power and energy to change not only the way they are treated but the way others around the country are treated too.

In this clip, Abileen is seen owning her voice as a writer and standing up to the lead antagonist in the movie and her manipulative tactics.

As Abileen’s preacher says, “Courage isn’t just about being brave. It’s about overcoming fear and daring to do what is right for your fellow man.”

This is how reluctant leaders change the world.

It starts with the willingness to stand up for what you believe and know is right for you, your people, your community, your followers.

How about you? What’s your first step?

The Missing Link to Deep Satisfaction

November 23, 2014 By Lisa

Do you ever feel like something is missing in your life but you can’t put your finger on it?

For most of my career, I felt disconnected in one way or another from what I was doing.

I had excellent roles and career opportunities, worked with great leaders and committed myself to efforts that helped many people. There was no doubt in my mind, I was engaged in rewarding work. But regardless of how successful I was, I still felt there was something missing.

Being passionate has never been my problem.

When assigned to a project or engagement, I would dive head first into it. I would go after my goal with determination and drive, only to finish with a feeling of apathy or indifference — saying to myself “ok, what’s next.”

No matter how much recognition and respect, money, promotions or accolades I received, once the engagement was over, the feeling of internal satisfaction and contentment eluded me.

I lacked internal purpose and direction.

Over the years, I’ve spent an enormous amount of time, energy and money searching for “the” book, blog, magazine or course on leadership, self development and career directions that would give me the answer to the questions I was searching for — how can I gain greater satisfaction and what should I be doing?

I read books on following your passion, becoming more creative, how to be an effective leader, how to achieve greater satisfaction in your day, how to connect with your true self and on and on. I followed cutting edge research on brain science, psychology, motivation and behavior. I took just about every type of career assessment out there — personality, strengths, skills, interests and aptitudes, got those down!

But even with all this knowledge, I was coming up short. This lack of internal direction was making me feel like there was something was wrong with me!

And not so surprisingly, I’m not alone. People spend BILLIONS of dollars on career and self development products every year!

So why does internal purpose and direction remain elusive for so many people?

The answer is in the question. Your internal purpose or your “WHY” — what you stand for, ultimately your reason for being — is internally directed. Yet, many of us consistently look outside ourselves for the answer. We secretly want someone to take us under their wing, validate what we’re doing, tell us we’re making the right decisions.

The first major reason is really not our fault, we’re socialized to look externally.

From the way we are raised and educated to the way we are incentivized in the companies we work for, most people focus on external validation and recognition. We want rewards and praise yet if we don’t understand how our work is related to what internally drives us, we loose motivation and direction. For more on this topic, Dan Pink, author of Drive, does a fantastic job describing the issues with working for incentives vs. purpose in this TED talk.

The second major reason internal purpose baffles us is due to the way the brain processes feelings.

We have difficulty pinpointing our “WHY” because the part of the brain that processes emotion doesn’t control language. We have an intuitive sense of what our “WHY” feels like but we cannot easily express it because the limbic system doesn’t simply translate those feelings into words. For more on this topic, watch Simon Sinek’s incredibly moving TED talk as he elaborates on this and much more on his work with the “WHY.”

The third major reason it’s elusive is that it’s hard to see what’s right in front of your face.

To illustrate, try a little experiment. Raise your hand about a foot away from your face and take in as many details about it as you can, the palm lines, texture, color, even how it feels. Now, move your hand towards your face so it’s almost touching. Blinding, almost overwhelming, hun?

Same thing goes for your purpose. When you are so close to it, you can’t see it.

For me, it took introspection over time facilitated by skilled coaches. The answers truly lie within but because we’re so close to it, we just need a little help teasing it out. It is possible to do it yourself but in my experience, it most cases it takes an objective witness, a good coach or an intuitive friend/colleague to see the patterns of your “WHY” emerge. When you nail it, you realize it’s been with you since the very beginning.

In the end, rest assured there’s nothing wrong with you! The missing link to deep satisfaction is knowing and living your “WHY.” You just might need a little help to find your way to it!

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